From this moment, I am unofficially declaring myself one of the casualties of the Xavier University College of Nursing. That's not out of negative thinking or pessimism... because, really, I didn't exactly put my all into the past term (my "all" is actually a very lazy thing). Well, I haven't seen my final grades yet, and my midterm grades all look rather hopeful... However, I have a nagging feeling that my final exam for NCM is as good as F, and I guess it's better off I consider my options and prepare myself for the worst right now rather than expecting and hopefully longing for something good to happen.

So, everything has been cleared off... I already told my parents that I might not be one of the candidates for capping and badging this year, and I also told RB and some of my friends. Unfortunately, none of them believe me, but I guess it will keep them from getting too shocked if I get that F on my print-out (But it's nice to know so many people honestly think I have to "thing" it takes to succeed lol). And I guess I'm emotionally prepared for anything right now. If I don't make it, then, well, at least I'll have a more relaxed year ahead of me, and I'll be able to study hard so I know I'll be ready for anything they give me when I start duty. If I do, well then, hooray for me... I'll be able to graduate within four years.

But then, all this also made me reaize something... That anticipating or receiving failures is amazing... when you take it well, that is. I guess it's not so bad to be one of the casualties. Just expecting to not see my name on the list of BSN-3 candidates makes me appreciate this course a lot more (now I know they don't just let anyone get through it), and how determined I am to stick with my decision to take this up even though it was quite accidental. At least now, I know what I want. And I know I can do it. It may take me three more years, but I'm damn sure I will. All along, I've been afraid to fail. And all along, I expected to graduate within four years. But then again, not doing those things isn't all that bad... I remember what I used to say when I was still in first year: "It's not like failing can kill me." And I guess that was right!

Oh well, even though my print-out might still seriously disappoint me... I've still got the rest of my life ahead of me (although i'm not quite sure how long that will be). still, right now, I'm still feeling the whines of my conscience which is now banging me in the head for sticking someone with a needle and injecting half a mililiter of water in her shoulder.... hmmm.... I guess one of the good things about passing is that I don't have to do that to someone who is not a patient ever again! LOL. (one of the bad things is that I still have to serve my four-hour extension)

Being carefree is a good thing.

I never knew what a bad day was until I went through today. But, well, what the heck... You don't have to know anyway, hahaha... At least I learned something. And that one thing is that in order to keep my sanity, I have to make a complete idiot out of myself every once in a while. I also got my ATM card today... But, really, I'm not so much interested in taking money from my account. Already, I'm thinking of ways to earn money (you know, so I can pay my own tuition, buy my own stuff, catch a plane to San Diego...) hehe... you know why. But then, well, I decided that the only way I'm gonna get anywhere is to do the thing I love the most (because I am really not that good at hard work and sweat without loving what I'm doing)... And, browsing the millions of art sites on the net, I figured that that is my life... drawing, design, painting. I seriously need to practice... I haven't done any painting since I did "Solace" and my sketching skills have a long way to go before I can actually do anything productive with them (but then again, i hate putting a price on my work).

And so, speaking of art. !!!!!!!!!!THE BLOCK NF SCHEDULE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I certainly don't mind being at school from 7am to 7pm on MWFs, and especially not from 8am to 7pm on TThs but I swear, that freaking schedule will deprive me of one of the reasons why I put up with 7-to-7 schedules and all the smoke and dust in Divisoria. I CAN'T go to RLE class on Saturday afternoons. I JUST CAN'T. Because Circulo de Arte workshops are usually on Saturday afternoons. I almost want to drop the damn thing (but it's a major subject). Goodness, the only reason why I took Nursing is the hope that I can still be what I've always wanted to be in the first place--an artist! Well, I don't know if the art club is what I really need to get there (*rubs hands together* oohh... we have anatomy lessons this sem) but I need something to push me to do my work and to improve. And the exhibit we had last September was one of the things I can seriously say that has done wonders for me (pushed me to actually do something on watercolors--something I've never really tried before). I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I want to jump of the top floor of the Engineering building... But something DID put me in the right mood today... :-)

...I also got another message from RB today (It's been over a week since he last called!). But, whew! Thank goodness! I've had one heck of a week worrying about it! (I think it was obvious) I guess I'll leave off jumping off the Engineering building til next time!

Welll... in case you didn't know yet, I've been eighteen for about two days now. :-) Nothing extraordinarily special! Hmm... I guess being eighteen gives you certain rights... Like right now, I'm sittig in the internet cafe at SM (forgot what it's called) wearing a shirt I would usually only wear at home (stupid shirt was made for busty women... *sigh*) and raggy jogging pants. But, heck, SM could be the extension of our backyard for all I care. It's only a ride away from home after all and I doubt anyone I know who should care very much about my looks should come strolling here.

So what's it like to be eighteen? Well... I don't really know the rituals and what it's supposed to be like... But well, personally I feel a lot more confident now and, I guess, grown-up (but not the typical sadistic grown-up stereotype; just grown-up in the sense that I feel I have a hand in my life). But I doubt all that has anything to do with being eighteen at all.

No big celebrations yet (although I plan to buy cakes for my friends at XU when we get back to school... if they don't think all the sugar is objectionable). Although I did get to see a piano recital on my birthday (the recital of one of my mother's classmates), and there was a lot of food, singing, music, and, of course, another one of my mother's classmates whom everyone else turned into a stand-up comedian. All in all, the day was pretty nice, not dull, and definitely not bad for a birthday at all! (not that I really care about my birthdays)

My parents gave me a bank account for my birthday! Which is pretty good since I'm the most practical person in the house (I bet they're just tired of me nagging them that we shouldn't take a taxi home on Sundays and that they should give me the money instead... hehe..) and it's an advantage when you're in college. At least now I have another saving grace whenever money for tuition arrives late... And I can always stash my savings there so I won't be tempted to spend it!

Another excellent birthday gift I got was a call from RB! It was the longest we had since he left... And I didn't really know what to say! back when he was home we could talk (and keep silent) for hours. (I think the record is seven hours but I never really did pay attention to the time).

The day after (well, yesterday), was Tamara's birthday. I had a lot of fun searching for what to wear then (the dress code was Bohemian). Mama and I bought a skirt at Ororama which cost almost about 300 (I'm beginning to like skirts... This one, however, is not really my everyday-taste. If it has to be near Bohemian, I like the lacy almost-gothic skirts a lot more. Happy bought a real nice one... But she didn't wear that to the party. I guess she's going to wear it to school hehe...). Later on, I scrounged SM for a top and accessories. I bought a tank top for almost 90 pesos (not bad considering I bought it at Penshoppe--a sale! though it wasn't that obvious...) which I later covered with this knitted top Mama bought ages ago at Occasions. And then I bought a Capiz-shell necklace for fifty pesos and a cheap (but nice-looking) pair of earrings at Marcella's. My sandals were the ones Mama bought for Sunday's recital. So that means I only spent less than 500 pesos for my whole outfit. Not bad. But I can do better. As I said, I'm the most practical person in the family (although no one in our family is really all that practical).

Anyway, the night was pretty much fun (I wanted to get second servings of that yummy potato salad but I was fuulll.... I shouldn't have eaten so much for lunch T_T). Happy, Kristel, and I were the earliest (beating even Tamara who had gone off to the parlor). And when the party started, we hung out mostly with Grace and Christine. (I'm starting to think of looking up a recipe for potato salad on the net...) And we all got an interrogation about our love lives. I think it's a bit awkward to talk about that so I answered a bit awkwardly as well... T_T And I left at a bit past ten because I was getting sleepy. (didn't have that much sleep as well... I slept late the night before the sixteenth just to get the chance to read the letter RB left me the minute the clock strikes midnight). And some idiots on the jeep put me on a bad mood (i hate men in general and you should know that. men "in particular" are pretty much OK as friends but *ugh*... let's just say it's a bad idea to try to even touch me if you're a guy no one has introduced me to).

I would write more but let's just call it a day. I'm tired of writing in English.